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Smashed

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Sometimes I wish that I was like other people. I wish that I could just have a glass of wine with dinner or I could enjoy a cold beer on a hot day.  I just see them sitting on their stoops enjoying the day with their alcoholic beverage and it seems to have no effect on them or their lives.

We all know that there there are some of us that have lost that privilege. I am one of those people. I have to think of it as though I have been given this gift. I lost the ability to have those kinds of feelings when it comes to drugs and alcohol.  When I start to feel nostalgic or think about all of the things that I am “missing out on” I always come back to this quote from the Big Book.

“We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.”
Pg 30

My very first sponsor made me read this passage over and over again. I had to fully concede to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic. Now that is something that I know just as much as the color of the sky or which direction the sun is going to set. It is part of my being that I am an alcoholic. I talked last week about playing the tape forward and how that really helps me. Sometimes I don’t even have to take it that far because I just know that my relationship with alcohol is different then most people.

I am proud of that fact now. I used to be really ashamed that I was in recovery. Like there was something that was wrong with me that landed me into rehab. Like I had done something to deserve this punishment. If I could of only made better decisions when I was drinking then maybe, just maybe I would not be in rehab.

There are no amount of different decision making that could have changed anything. I know that I was born an alcoholic and that I was destined to be in recovery. The other choice for my life was death and I was pretty close to that.

I am not ashamed that I am in recovery. I have said it before, my recovery is what makes me who I am . I was thinking about all of the things that have changed for me in the past 5 years… all of the doors that have opened and all of the beautiful light that has shone on my path. Its all because of those decisions that i made before. They have all brought me to this moment and to this time.

I am not like other people and I like it that way. I am like a group of other people though. These are my fellow passengers on this great liner of recovery…. we may have hit an iceberg but no matter what happens i have these people with me.

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