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Thank Goodness this is not Willpower

May 17, 2014 10:18 am Leave your thoughts
Willpower?

Willpower?

So I have been sober for awhile now. At least when I look at my whole experience through my minds eye.   For me its just how it is now. This is what my life is and that is how I think of it.

I really don’t question it because it always just works. When it was presented to me at the beginning I really didn’t have any other choice. I just knew that I didn’t want to die and this what was right in front of me. I have something that is bigger then me that has just taken care of it.

Everything that was up to me…. was taken away from me. All of the choices that I had once enjoyed I had lost the privilege to make anymore. These were now squarely made by something that was not me. I like it like that.

Sometimes I forget this.. but it will always come back around to remind me.

The reason that I am bringing this up is that someone who I had just met told me that I had incredible “willpower”  when they heard that I had been sober for 6 years. We had talked about drinking and alcoholism. The person even had someone that was in their life that was alcoholic.

All that I could keep thinking was how lucky that I was that it had nothing to do with willpower…. whatsoever. If it were up to me I would have messed this thing up years ago. If it were up to my willpower I would probably be dead right now.

Bill Wilson always said that self-knowledge was not enough. I made that mistake the first time that I left the Beacon HouseSM. I felt that I had all the knowledge that I would ever need to brave my new sober life but obviously I had another thing coming. No matter what I thought of myself my higher power always had a better plan.

I am very thankful that this who thing does not depend on my self-will. In most cases my self-will will destroy this whole thing.

 

Amazing Distractions. Are the worth it?

May 7, 2014 8:55 pm Leave your thoughts

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There is something that I have been wanting to talk with everyone about in this forum. It is something that was a very essential part of my early recovery and I wanted to give my experience to anyone that may need it.

What is this major topic that I want to talk about?

I want to talk about dating and romance in early sobriety and how it effected me.

When I got sober everyone who knew anything about sobriety told me that it was a very bad idea to get into a relationship with anyone during that time of your recovery. I listened to these people and I decided that I was going to do what I wanted to do. This was really the only thing that I did on my own.. something that I didn’t follow other peoples suggestions on. Of course it was something that I had to experience to get the full story of just how bad it was for me.

One of my first sponsors asked me a pretty simple question when I asked him if it was a good idea to get involved with anyone at about 3 months sober… He asked me to “examine my intentions” with the person. What was it that I wanted to get out of the relationship. Why was I entering into it?

I could not answer the question. All that I could say was that I was not entering into the relationship with any ill intentions. I knew that I didn’t want to hurt anyone.. but I could not answer his question.

I had a couple of different relationships in my first year of sobriety.

I can tell you right now that one of the major effects that it had on me was a distracting one. It distracted me from what it was that I should have been doing in the first place. I should have been listening to the experience of others and not getting into anything.

This was a perfect example of my “self will run riot”. I thought that I knew what was best for me in my early sobriety on certain subjects. I really thought that I knew everything about relationships even though I don’t think that I ever had a healthy one in my life with a female.

The moral to this story is that early sobriety is the time to get work done. I used woman as a distraction in my early sobriety. If you asked me if I regretted it I would tell you that I didn’t because I met some life long friends that I might not of ever would have met. I could have done without the distraction though.

I hope that this experience helps some people out there that have questions about it. I know that I did..