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Accept the Addiction

January 24, 2014 10:38 am Leave your thoughts

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It took me so long to actually accept that I was addicted to alcohol and drugs…. and pretty much anything else that you could be addicted to.

I am addicted to more.

When I was moving towards the end of my drinking I knew that something was not right with me but I did not want to admit what it truly was. I knew that something was different with me…. I acted differently towards alcohol and drugs then the people that I hung out with. I know now that there were a lot of people that hung out with me because they could compare themselves to me and say that they did not have a problem. They could compare themselves to me and not admit their own alcoholism.

There was a time after I had relapse when I really admitted to myself that I was an alcoholic… and that I did not have control over my own life and I never would. Something had to change. This was the moment that I had acceptance and I surrendered to my life.

I accepted the addiction and now it was time to change the behavior.

This was the much harder part for me because it was behavior that was entrenched with me…. it had been there for years and had served it purposes. I knew that it was not going to be helping me anymore… and I needed to shed it. I needed to change everything if I was going to survive this.

That is what I did.

Now.. almost 6 years later I have some issues with acceptance. They mostly come out when I am working. There are things that I can’t change and there are things that I can change. I need to remember that and know the difference chinesische viagra. Again.. here comes the serenity prayer.

What am I going to do today for myself? I am going to not try to practice acceptance and take my time.

What are you going to do for yourself lately?

Love or Fear

January 16, 2014 9:28 am Leave your thoughts

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Sometimes I forget how simple that some decisions are.

In my early sobriety I would have to make decisions that seemed like they were life and death.. and they were. The decisions were pretty easy to make because all that i had to think about was right in front of me. How would these decisions effect my recovery today.

When I was drinking I would make decisions and choices that we directly influenced by how they would effect me… and usually my drinking and using. There were a lot of decisions that were not made with the best of intentions in mind. They were made because they would make me feel better and had no real concern for the people that were around me. I liked it that way at that time because for the most part I could really care less how my decisions effected others.

I was introduced to a whole new way of making decisions when I entered the world of sobriety. How would my decisions effect others and what were my intentions?

I had never thought about this question before…

What are you intentions?

When I thought about it… and then thought about my drinking and using i could see that pretty much all of decisions were self-serving and would only really benefit me. I was making relationship decisions having no thought of others.

I would talk to my sponsor about something that was happening in early sobriety and then he would ask about my intentions. I was really frustrating in the beginning because I really thought that was none of anyones business but my own… but in this game the things that you keep to yourself will kill you. ┬áSo I would start to examine my decisions and what the intentions were behind them. I think of that a lot know when I am stressing about something or about a decision that has been made.

Sometimes I react to a situation poorly and have to look back on my intentions… I also think about something else though.. and it helps me put things into perspective.

“Am I coming from a place of love or fear?”

When you think about it… this is a pretty simple question that just takes a lot of thinking. My second sponsor broke it down this way to me and made it pretty simple. When I would think about the question I would usually come to the conclusion that I was coming from a place of fear. Fear has its hands around everything. I can say that I have gotten rid of a lot of the fear that i have in my life but there is a lot that is hanging around.

Usually, I ask myself this question when I am dealing with other people. Did I say or react that way coming from a place of fear or love?

The fear or love question was described to me as being a yin and yang type of situation. It was pretty black or white… meaning that it had to be one or the other.

This really helps me everyday. I hope that it can help

 

Can I Moderate?

January 11, 2014 1:37 pm Leave your thoughts

Surviving the Wreck

This was always the golden question for me when I was drinking. Is there anyway for me to drink like a normal person.

What do you mean by…. “drinking like a normal person”, you might ask?

I decided that I would do a little research and see just what daily guidelines are out there for the consumption of alcohol…. and see how they would fit into my disease. How did I do when it came to the guidelines that have been set forth by those who know what they are talking about… or do they.

First I want to tell you all a story about something that happened to me a couple of times during the last year of my drinking. This was 2007 and it was a bad year in my world… it was my downward spiral that brought me to my bottom and into my new life in recovery.

During 2007, I kept ending up in the hospital for different reasons, I thought. I was always blaming my need to be medicated at the hospital on things like anxiety and being overworked. I would blame it on women and my inability to get the right balance of alcohol in my system. Of course I would never tell the doctors that I was playing pharmacist with my alcohol intake.

On one of these visits one of the doctors asked me how much I drank….. and I gave him a complete fictional answer.

“I drink about 5 beers and a couple of shots…. each day. Thats about the average… I would say that is normal”

The response that I got from the doctor was very surprising to me.. he said, “Have you ever considered yourself and alcoholic?”

I though that I was low-balling the estimates of my alcohol consumption. I think that if he really knew how much I drank on a typical day he would have probably strapped me down never to let me leave the hospital. Of course, this was not the wake up call that I needed. I was in the hospital so much that they started to know me on a first name basis.

Moderation was not not my strongest suit.

Now lets look at the guidelines that are provided by different American institutions….

  • The US Department of Health and Human Services- one drink a day for women and up to two drinks a day for men.
  • The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism- men should not exceed 4 drinks per day or a total of 14 drinks a week and women should not exceed 3 drinks per day for a total of of 7 per week.

There are many things that go into these recommendations like portion size…. but my alcoholic mind starts to try and figure out a way that I could of stayed within these recommendations… always trying to figure it out.

The bottom line of this lesson to myself is that no matter what I would try to do or say… I know that I will never be able to moderate. I will never be able to say that I will keep it to 3 drinks in a day because that is not how my mind is wired. I am an alcoholic that knows that my abstinence and connection with a higher power that loves me are the only things that are keeping me safe from an agonizing alcoholic death.

Sounds pretty harsh… but its that serious.

Are you able to moderate your drinking and using?

 

Letting Go

January 4, 2014 10:29 am Leave your thoughts

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Happy New Year everyone. I hope that they new year has found everyone well.

I was just thinking about how the last part of 2013 went for me and how it is moving into 2014. There were some ups and downs that happened to me in the last year and I have been able to share a lot about them in this blog. At the end of 2013 I was having some issues that were really taking me to a darker place then I had been in a long time.

I have almost 6 years of sobriety… (God willing) and I would have to say that these past couple of weeks I have been closer to a drink then I have been since I was in early sobriety. Now don’t get to scared about me yet… because there were things that i did that I learned in the rooms that helped me get through it. I knew that I was not going to take a drink but I could see the path in front of me.

I think that I will always remember everything that I was told about resentment… and how it is the number one offender. I can hear people in my head telling me about how resentment has taken out more alcoholics than anything else that we face.

What I was able to see very clearly was how that a resentment could turn into something else. How a resentment could manifest into something completely unthinkable and terrible. I know why it takes out more alcoholics than anything else.

I was able to get out of myself and help another alcoholic. I got on the phone and called an old friend of mine in Monterey. We talked about the things that were going on in my life… but really the whole conversation revolved around the 3rd Step.

“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God”

The conversations centered around me trying to take control and keep control. I have been holding on so tight that I completely forgot that I really didn’t have to be holding on at all. I seem to forget that I have given up my will and my life over to my Higher Power because I know that I am no good when I am trying to control everything.

This was something that was really hard for me when I was in early sobriety. I didn’t want to give up control and I really didn’t know how. I just knew that the job that I was doing was not that good. I came to a point where the pain was so great that I had to try something new. I had to give up control to something greater then me. Then after that it became pretty easy to give up that control. It was downright enjoyable. I didn’t have to worry about it anymore because my Higher Power was taking care of it.

After having this time in recovery it seems that I forget somethings that I “don’t find useful anymore”…….. like turning my will and my life over to my Higher Power everyday when I get out of bed.

The conversation with my old friend really shed light on a lot of things that I had just chose to forget. The most important thing is that I have to let go of somethings. There is a plan for me and it is well beyond anything that my wildest dreams can imagine. i just have to be patient and trust in the fact that not everything in this world is supposed to go my way.. and be ok with that.

Well.. there is my big confession for the beginning of the year. I have been a bit lazy when it comes to doing all of the things that I need to do everyday to keep my spiritual condition fit. I can tell you now that I know what is happening and I have taken immediate steps to address this life and death situation. Just like I was taught. Thank God for this program and all of the things that I have learned in it.

Happy New Year everyone….