December 28, 2013 11:06 am
Fear or Love? Which one is it?
And now for another edition of…. Stuff that I wrote in my Big Book.
So when I was in treatment at the Beacon HouseSM one of the things that I really did not like at first was “checking in” in the morning. I know that this has changed and they might not do this anymore but it was happening when I was there.
Everyone would get up in the morning and make their beds and then meet in the living room to check in. This meant that everyone would sit down and one-by-one we would go around the room and rate how we were feeling on a scale of 1-10. Then we would have to talk about why we felt the way that we did.
I just remember that the first couple of days of this I was almost always crying and was surrounded by pillows trying to make myself feel safe. After awhile I started to like the morning check ins because I could see that that there was some improvement in me and in some of my friends around me…
At the end of the check in the leader would always read us a quote. I don’t remember who this was from but it was the first thing that I can ever remember hearing…. and getting through to me. Its pretty simple really but it took someone saying it to me to really get it.
“Good judgment comes from experience..
Experience comes from bad judgement”
Pretty simple right?
I don’t think that I even knew what the word “judgement” meant…. let alone the difference between good and bad judgement.
What this meant for me is that I had to make the mistakes and take the hits before I could really realize where I was and what I was doing. I always just acted on what I was thinking and never though about the consequences….. That was how I just sailed through life.
Sometimes I can catch myself reacting to something that someone said or reading into someones statements. I have to remember to take a step back and not to react to my first instinct.
Pause… and remember. Am I coming at this from a place of love or a place of fear.
December 25, 2013 1:12 am
Every year Christmas is a time for me to look back on all of the things that I am thankful for. Pretty much just like Thanksgiving but I can say that Christmas really has a special meaning for me…. actually Christmas Eve.
6 years ago on Christmas Eve I was hospitalized and went into a coma for awhile. It was not the first time that I had ever been in the hospital for alcohol and drug related things but this was by far the worst thing that I had ever experienced.
I can remember going home for that holiday completely broken and beat. All that I wanted to do was to quit but I had no idea how I could do it. I for sure though that it was impossible… In my head it was impossible. It took something so horrible to finally wake me up to the fact that I was killing myself… very slowly at first and then as it got to the end, really quickly.
That night was one of the worst and best nights of my life. I was finally coming a point in my life where I know that I had to make a change. This was not the last time that I drank though… I relapsed a little while after this episode. This was the light that shone through the little crack in the door… it was the start.
Now when I am having things happen in my life that I choose to think are very major.. I just think about the things that are really important in my life…. like my recovery.. and my life. There are things that come and go and then there are the things that are the bedrock of my life.
I just wanted to reach out and let you all know that I truly thank you for being part of my recovery. I have had a pretty hard last couple of weeks… but I know that I can get through anything because I have done the seemingly impossible.
I hope that you are having a great holiday…..
December 16, 2013 10:23 am
So I am headed to Arizona for the holiday and I have one of the greatest Christmas presents that I could have ever imagined waiting for me.
My brother and his wife had a brand new baby boy last night. I was hoping that I would make it down there for the birth but that did not happen. It was not in the cards for me to be there. I think that it happened for a reason. Thanks what I like to tell myself anyway.
Last night when I found out I was working and it was a pretty stressful night for my co-workers and myself… but when I saw the text from him pretty much all of the other things just fell right away and I knew that that there were more important things then what was overwhelming me at that moment.
Life happens and I do my best to deal with it on its terms… one day at a time. Once in awhile I know that I get overwhelmed and I forget some of the things that have been the foundation of my recovery.
Then there are things that come around that really make you stop and think about the things that are really important in your life. Things that will be with you for a long time.
I am going to be posting about my trip in the next week… and I hope that you can follow along with me. I don’t know what is going to happen along the way but I do know that I am going to meet my nephew… and that would of never happened if I was not in recovery.
December 8, 2013 11:42 am
Happy after Thanksgiving everyone! I hope that you all had a great first part of your holiday season.
I am going to start a new Beacon HouseSM Blog feature entitled… “Things Written in My Big Book.” This part of the blog is going to be reserved for all of these amazing things that we wrote and continue to write in our Big Books. These are all of the little sayings that we all heard in recovery that we use to get through each and every day.
“You are always in a room alone with someone that is trying to kill you”
This was one that I heard in my first home group and it took me a little while to figure out what it really meant. One thing that I learned early on was that the disease that I had was a chronic one. This means that it is always going to be with me. I learned that it is always waiting for me in the wings on my life… just hoping that I will falter. I will always have it and it will always want to kill me. I heard this from one of those amazing old-timers in my first home group and I will never forget it.
I am going to be adding more really soon. This is going to be a very important part of the blog from now on. These sayings and lessons from the people that came before me are an essential part.
PLEASE!!!! Share yours with me! I want to hear them all! Please comment on this post and tell me what yours mean to me.
December 2, 2013 6:26 am
Sometimes I wish that I was like other people. I wish that I could just have a glass of wine with dinner or I could enjoy a cold beer on a hot day. I just see them sitting on their stoops enjoying the day with their alcoholic beverage and it seems to have no effect on them or their lives.
We all know that there there are some of us that have lost that privilege. I am one of those people. I have to think of it as though I have been given this gift. I lost the ability to have those kinds of feelings when it comes to drugs and alcohol. When I start to feel nostalgic or think about all of the things that I am “missing out on” I always come back to this quote from the Big Book.
“We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.”
My very first sponsor made me read this passage over and over again. I had to fully concede to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic. Now that is something that I know just as much as the color of the sky or which direction the sun is going to set. It is part of my being that I am an alcoholic. I talked last week about playing the tape forward and how that really helps me. Sometimes I don’t even have to take it that far because I just know that my relationship with alcohol is different then most people.
I am proud of that fact now. I used to be really ashamed that I was in recovery. Like there was something that was wrong with me that landed me into rehab. Like I had done something to deserve this punishment. If I could of only made better decisions when I was drinking then maybe, just maybe I would not be in rehab.
There are no amount of different decision making that could have changed anything. I know that I was born an alcoholic and that I was destined to be in recovery. The other choice for my life was death and I was pretty close to that.
I am not ashamed that I am in recovery. I have said it before, my recovery is what makes me who I am . I was thinking about all of the things that have changed for me in the past 5 years… all of the doors that have opened and all of the beautiful light that has shone on my path. Its all because of those decisions that i made before. They have all brought me to this moment and to this time.
I am not like other people and I like it that way. I am like a group of other people though. These are my fellow passengers on this great liner of recovery…. we may have hit an iceberg but no matter what happens i have these people with me.